Apparently Paul hates my paintings like a ton.  Even though last week he said they would look better without goddesses in them, now he says that they do not work as figure paintings or as landscape paintings.  Basically he said that they suck.  And that they suck a lot.  He sort of gave me an ultimatum...I can change the way that I approach my paintings to make them better (/good), or I can change my whole focus.  Of the other P3 students, only Christina was there (Brooke skipped out) and she got the same criticism basically.  Personally I love my paintings and I have no intention of changing them or my focus for this project.  So I am probably going to fail this course, and I'm probably going to drop my painting emphasis.  Because I am super pissed at Paul.  He makes me so incredibly angry.  Seriously.  I was so angry in class that I just kept my mouth shut as best I could because I was worried that I could not control my temper.  But I have such incredible talent and I'm intelligent too!  And he could see that I loved the work I was doing...but it doesn't fit into a historical or contemporary painting type of genre, I have to copy other people I can't do my own thing.  I can't just come in and paint whatever I feel like painting...even though he's giving me free reign this semester.  Yeah, whatever Paul.  You.  Piss.  Me.  Off.  But more on that later,  I have to go to class.
Back from class and still woefully unhappy...yeah it was super hard for me to concentrate...I kept thinking 'I hate Paul'....
But anyway two big main objections to this nonsense that was my critique...(one being Paul and two being the class in and of itself)...
If my paintings are so horribly bad, and obviously Paul has been stopping to check up on me every week or so in painting (I mean he didn't just leave me to wonder wtf...he did actually look at my work and ask me where I was), why the hell didn't he mention how much they aren't "working" before?  Granted he has a suggested the landscape route, and even mentioned that the goddesses weren't the same quality/genre that the backgrounds was...but he also said that there was nothing wrong with that, that I just needed to think about my audience and change such and such to make it look more like this or whatever...he said NOTHING about it not working as a figure or as a landscape, in fact he suggested that I lean in the landscape direction over the figure direction and just paint the goddesses out...AS IF TO IMPLY THAT THEY WOULD WORK AS LANDSCAPE PAINTINGS (also that he did not have much enthusiasm for the style in which my goddesses are painted...even though he said there was nothing wrong with that style).  Why, I have to ask, why IN FIVE WEEKS,  would a professor, even in the interest of creative freedom, not inform one of his students (let alone two) that the style and composition in which she was painting were not on the level (or in the context) of painting that he preferred (or one might say required) them to be?  WHY??? FOR FIVE WEEKS?!?!?
My other main objection to this ridiculous and infuriating critique was that of the context of the painting class itself.  This one I am more inclined to give leeway on.  I can certainly see how one might expect, in a painting class, for the students to paint in a style which reflects either historical or contemporary style paintings because that obviously has educational value for learning about those types of painting.  But shouldn't you point out that that is a major stipulation of the class and that paintings that are not drawn from this context are practically irrelevant and not worth the time it takes to paint them because that's not what you're looking for as a teacher.not the goal of the class??  Instead of emphasizing that this course is an opportunity to explore your individual creativity and develop a concept to be used in a series of paintings for your final project (which is also very important), and also that it is an opportunity for you to paint something that you feel a personal connection to that you can strongly relate to, shouldn't you make it clear that this course is also a course not about your painting, but about other people's paintings, and you have to follow their rules in order to succeed??  Or does that conflict with the first points somewhat?  I don't even know anymore.  I could see it going both ways.  In either case I am supremely pissed and plan to reread the syllabus before class on Thursday. 
And this is a case that I can't really argue but that upsets me nonetheless...isn't this my class to explore my style of painting so that I know what I want to do for my senior project?  Shouldn't I have creative control?  Don't I deserve better than to get slammed every time I have a critique?  I mean, he said we could paint whatever we wanted, he said my idea was good, he encouraged me to keep reading myths about the goddesses, to think about the place as well as the figure, to add lots of texture, I did all of these things, came in outside of class whenever possible and slaved over those three paintings because I loved them and I wanted them to be as successful as possible.  And I was happy with where they ended up, I really was (and am actually).  And I can see his point in some places, the figures do look a little strange and illustration-like, but still, I think the paintings overall are appealing.  I really like where they ended up and where this idea is going.  And I probably would have continued to take his opinion into consideration, because he is an experienced artist and critic, and I'm just starting out, really.  But now he has completely blown any trust I had in his opinion.  I can not listen to him ever again without weighing what he's saying with the experience I've had this semester.  He misled me into believing that I could make my paintings work as they were (or even that they worked by themselves) and then he slammed me, not once but twice, and he was relentless.  These paintings don't work at all, apparently, or at least not now, though they're not that different than a few days ago when he said they could (Anesidora's certainly not, I haven't touched her since I finished her; Brighid had a few slight detail touch ups though).  What the hell is that about?  I mean really, did you just have a bad morning?  Or did you just not think about it the other day when you were talking to me, or what?  And I would like to emphasize AGAIN that I appreciate constructive criticism, but antagonism does not motivate me to do better, it just motivates me to be pissed off.  Which usually makes my work suffer. 

I plan to tell Paul that I intend to continue painting my paintings the way that I want to paint them.  I might have considered changing them before, but not now.  Even if I did get interested in doing it his way, I would be extremely resentful.  I like my paintings the way that they are.  If this causes my grade to suffer, then so be it.  And obviously since we have such different opinions of how painting should be approached, I plan to drop my painting emphasis.  I know that after I graduate I'm not going to be able to paint for a while.  I'm not stupid, I'm going to have a hard enough time financially and painting supplies are expensive.  I don't plan to go to grad school so I don't need the double emphasis.  If I only have a little time left to paint (and who know how long it will be until I get another chance after I graduate), I want to enjoy what I'm doing and paint something I can be really happy with.  If I cave and paint something completely different just because it makes Paul happy (he has suggested landscapes or paintings of ancient pots, continuing to dump my idea completely), I will be so completely miserable because I conformed for him, because I will be painting something I'm not interested in painting, and because I know I'm using the supplies that I could be using on things I want to paint.  I'm running out of supplies, I'm running out of time, and he picked a hell of time to decide that my paintings were basically crap.  If he had suggested something like this earlier on I probably would have been more likely to listen.  If he had suggested I change my paintings rather than abandon my idea completely, I would have been more likely to listen.  If he had listened to a word I said, ever, about my paintings, I would have listened to what he had to say.  But after the brutal bashing he gave my art today, I have no intention of taking what he says seriously ever again.  He doesn't listen, he doesn't help, he's not being supportive at all.  I'm not going to change just to fit into some little mold of his when he's not even trying to meet me halfway.  Screw that.  I'm going to paint what I want to paint, and fuck the consequences.  I think my GPA can handle the strain of one failing grade.  And I can live without the emphasis.

Posted by: The Witch at 01:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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